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2 Drowned, not drowning. They’d been buried at sea. The driftwood they clung to was a coffin lid. One bit me. Will I become a zombie now too?

3 So, you get me out of the cement boots, then a stunt double takes over & gets thrown in the lake, right? Is that how all snuff movies work?

4 Keep wading. Don’t cry. It’s a myth that Amazon piranhas strip people to the bone in a matter of seconds. Bob? Where’ve you gone? Ow! Ow!

5 A wet tee-shirt contest wasn’t the best way to brighten morale on an arctic expedition, was it? At least the ice will preserve the bodies.

6 Since we found the white stick sticking out of the beach, all ‘Danger Quicksand’ warnings will now also be printed in Braille.

7 You thought wearing ear-plugs would save you from my siren song? Telepathy doesn’t work like that, mariner.

8/. Surprise lads, I caught a mermaid. Very rare. Makes a change from missionaries on Cannibal Island. We’re having sushi tonight. Bon Appetite.

9/. “Why the pain? Were you wearing a crucifix when I bit you?” “Wearing? I have one tattooed on my heart.” “So sorry, my darling … My dust.”

10/. “But vampires need permission to cross a threshold.” “Correct, and thank you for the welcome mat on your doorstep.”

11/. Diary of a zombie - Monday - BRAINS! Tuesday - BRAINS! Wednesday - BRAINS Thursday - DITTO. Friday - nearly shot in head today - BRAINS!

12/. Jones, you mispelt 'synergy' so badly you summoned a tentacled doom-monger from the 51st Dimension. Kindly get rid of it, or you get an F.

13// Your review of my book says it lacks a beginning, middle or end. After you've been through my meat-grinder, so will you, critic.

14/. Son, some of you is mine. Some is adopted. Your brain is original, & your legs. The rest of you came from, well lets call them donations.

15/. Our cat kept eating the goldfish, so we got an electric eel. The cat stopped attacking the fish. Actually, he stopped doing anything.

16/. Rapunzel’s hair didn’t quite reach the ground from her tower-cell. Her rescuer prince was fat. Her head broke off. He fell to his death

Arthur Chappell

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